It is 2:27am.
I am restless and full of emotions that remain unnamed.
I must admit that this is not something new and continues to plague my inner being.
I must also touch on some instances that have occurred in the last couple of hours.
I will focus in on a topic that promises to set the captive free and make the all wrongs right.
Truth.
Truth is many things to many different people in which most cases is a self-defeating statement.
But the one thing that I have just recently learned is that though the truth may hurt, it can also blossom forth compassion for others.
It seems as though the Lord is continually uprooting things deeply embedded in various chambers of my heart.
And as painful as it is, it is also liberating to feel the warmth of compassion in a place that has been hardened by hurt for so many years.
I am thankful, yet I am also helpless in heart, for I know nothing I say or do can change the mind or actions of any individual.
Prayer is powerful, and joining with family in prayer brings forth such a precious dynamic in the spiritual realm that stirs the deepest part of my spirit man.
I am blessed to be able to join in prayer with a grandfather and new grandmum who have a deep love for his children and grandchildren that will stay up to pray with me even if it is way past his or her bed time.
Thank You, Lord.
I know the Lord works all things for the good of those who love Him.
I also know the Lord hears the cries and longings of His children and will not pass over them.
Until I see fruit in this certain uprooting, I will continue to trust in the One who has known me even before the womb.
He is good no matter what the end result may be.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
it's 4am..
For 3 nights now I have tossed and turned, pondering life and wondering how I reached the point in which there is no return.
I ponder the way in which I found my-self amongst people who enjoy bickering, chaos and who compose propostouros symphonies of abnormal and non-rhythmic snores.
And how dare one ask a question that is poised with any logic or reason.
It has most certainly been a very interesting three days.
Now, I sit in the lobby of surrounding horribly matched couches and a monsterous clock that reminds me time is passing, and I have yet to find the peace and rest that I so long for.
There are many things I don't understand in life, and some things I so desire to erase or undo as I delete a text message or a poorly composed thought.
As I replay the public incident that occurred on the four lane highway named Brookshire Freeway; there is one thing that continues to plague me and has foreshadowed much of my life thus far; and it is the shattered windshield that could have and should have fallen from its frame to cut me all to pieces.
Part of me wishes to play the blame game, but the deeper part of me refuses to and accepts that there is a greater picture at hand.
I continue to walk in faith, knowing there is an Almighty who holds my hand every step of the way, and who continues to protect me as I venture through the hardships and pains of life.
In a couple of hours from now, I will make way to visit with the Amish people of good ole' Ohio. I will enjoy various types of cheese, fuss with my mother, and hold back many words that most certainly will not display the love of Christ. I could wish these next two days away, but I am going to do my best to make the most of the time I have, and pray that the Lord will give me grace as I endure the resistance that stirs heavily within me.
Maybe there will be a handsome Amish man around the corner who will distract me from all these troubles. *wishful thinking*
Until tomorrow.
Blessings and Peace be with you.
-Ava
I ponder the way in which I found my-self amongst people who enjoy bickering, chaos and who compose propostouros symphonies of abnormal and non-rhythmic snores.
And how dare one ask a question that is poised with any logic or reason.
It has most certainly been a very interesting three days.
Now, I sit in the lobby of surrounding horribly matched couches and a monsterous clock that reminds me time is passing, and I have yet to find the peace and rest that I so long for.
There are many things I don't understand in life, and some things I so desire to erase or undo as I delete a text message or a poorly composed thought.
As I replay the public incident that occurred on the four lane highway named Brookshire Freeway; there is one thing that continues to plague me and has foreshadowed much of my life thus far; and it is the shattered windshield that could have and should have fallen from its frame to cut me all to pieces.
Part of me wishes to play the blame game, but the deeper part of me refuses to and accepts that there is a greater picture at hand.
I continue to walk in faith, knowing there is an Almighty who holds my hand every step of the way, and who continues to protect me as I venture through the hardships and pains of life.
In a couple of hours from now, I will make way to visit with the Amish people of good ole' Ohio. I will enjoy various types of cheese, fuss with my mother, and hold back many words that most certainly will not display the love of Christ. I could wish these next two days away, but I am going to do my best to make the most of the time I have, and pray that the Lord will give me grace as I endure the resistance that stirs heavily within me.
Maybe there will be a handsome Amish man around the corner who will distract me from all these troubles. *wishful thinking*
Until tomorrow.
Blessings and Peace be with you.
-Ava
Thursday, June 2, 2011
unexpected.
Things in life, both good and bad, often happen unexpectedly.
Though this statement seems do be a reoccurring theme in my life, I try to always look ahead.
I don't quite understand what has just happened nor do I really care to do so.
I must say, it is quite unfortunate, but I must keep moving forward.
I am afraid of the next couple of weeks ahead, and I am not quite sure how everything will pan out.
One thing I am certain of however, is that God never changes and in the midst of uncertainty I know He is certain of what must occur in my life to draw me closer to His heart.
I have learned that sometimes the truth is hard to hear.
I have learned that peoples perceptions of others is often distorted because bias
clouds what is truly underneath.
I have learned that not all families are rainbows and unicorns.
I have learned that Blue Moon and making music calm my nerves tremendously.
But the thing I have learned most in these past chaotic days is that things will work out in the end and divine opportunities will arise as long as I keep my eyes on the prize, which is to know the heart of my Father.
I desire peace, but it doesn't always come.
I desire stability, but it never comes in human form.
I desire to know how to change for the better, but I keep finding myself in some of the same patterns I was in years ago.
I desire to know Jesus Christ intimately. This never requires a but.
I am broken and I am in need of my Saviour who graciously picks me up from my deep dark pits on a daily basis.
Goodbye Colorado.
Goodbye NC.
Farewell college.
Hello Maui. Let's see what Jesus is up to next.
Though this statement seems do be a reoccurring theme in my life, I try to always look ahead.
I don't quite understand what has just happened nor do I really care to do so.
I must say, it is quite unfortunate, but I must keep moving forward.
I am afraid of the next couple of weeks ahead, and I am not quite sure how everything will pan out.
One thing I am certain of however, is that God never changes and in the midst of uncertainty I know He is certain of what must occur in my life to draw me closer to His heart.
I have learned that sometimes the truth is hard to hear.
I have learned that peoples perceptions of others is often distorted because bias
clouds what is truly underneath.
I have learned that not all families are rainbows and unicorns.
I have learned that Blue Moon and making music calm my nerves tremendously.
But the thing I have learned most in these past chaotic days is that things will work out in the end and divine opportunities will arise as long as I keep my eyes on the prize, which is to know the heart of my Father.
I desire peace, but it doesn't always come.
I desire stability, but it never comes in human form.
I desire to know how to change for the better, but I keep finding myself in some of the same patterns I was in years ago.
I desire to know Jesus Christ intimately. This never requires a but.
I am broken and I am in need of my Saviour who graciously picks me up from my deep dark pits on a daily basis.
Goodbye Colorado.
Goodbye NC.
Farewell college.
Hello Maui. Let's see what Jesus is up to next.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
For in these things I delight...
Jeremiah 9:23-24
Thus says the Lord:"Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 10:10
"But the Lord is the true God;
he is the living God and the everlasting King
At his wrath the earth quakes,
and the nations cannot endure his indignation."
Thus says the Lord:"Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 10:10
"But the Lord is the true God;
he is the living God and the everlasting King
At his wrath the earth quakes,
and the nations cannot endure his indignation."
Monday, May 16, 2011
these quotes must be glued to the heart....
"God gives us the cross, and then the cross gives us God."
~Jeanne Guyon
"As soon as anything comes to you in the form of suffering, at that very moment a natural resistance will well up somewhere inside of you. When that moment comes, immediately resign yourself to God. Accept the matter. In that moment give yourself up to Him as a sacrifice."
~Jeanne Guyon
~Jeanne Guyon
"As soon as anything comes to you in the form of suffering, at that very moment a natural resistance will well up somewhere inside of you. When that moment comes, immediately resign yourself to God. Accept the matter. In that moment give yourself up to Him as a sacrifice."
~Jeanne Guyon
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It's 2am...
It's 2am and I sit here awake with eyes burning from all the tears shed from a broken and bitter heart.
For far too long I have carried bitterness and hurt.
For far too long I have tried to fight a battle that is not mine to fight.
For far too long I have kept the Love that has been given freely to self; so afraid of how others would respond resulting in another traumatic heartbreak.
How dare I? Truly?
If I have learned anything in the past 7 years of my life, it is the recurring theme on pain and love.
They both go hand in hand and one cannot be without the other.
We hear songs such as 'love is a battlefield', 'bleeding love', 'break your heart'.. ecetera , ecetera.
Why does love cause so much pain and what is the root of it, I question often.
I think I have found an answer.
God is love. He sent Jesus as an expression of love.
But what did Jesus allow the Father to do?
Anything and everything to and through him.
He was surrendered..
He gave the Father the power to do whatever He pleased.
When we enter into any relationship, whether it be courtship or friendship, we are looking for depth with that individual.
We search to know everything about them, which ultimately puts us on the path to intimacy. Once we reach this intimacy, we also reach our most vulnerable state of being, which in turn gives power to the other individual. The power to crush us. The power to run off and make fools of us. The power to absolutely destroy us.
Love requires pain, but the question is will that person rise above? We trust so. Since human-beings are flawed, heartbreak and pain are inevitable. But what is reassuring is if we truly want to become like Jesus, we keep trusting, we keep loving, and we keep returning to the one who breaks our hearts, and yet heals our heart at the very same moment.
Never grow weary of being vulnerable.
Keep the walls down, and love with all the power the Lord has given you through His Holy Spirit.
It will always be worth it in the end.
Brokenness and humble hearts are pleasing to the Father.
These attributes keep us away from pride and fleshly tendencies, but ultimately that teach us a little of what Jesus felt.
I want to love like Jesus even if it requires pain and suffering.
For far too long I have carried bitterness and hurt.
For far too long I have tried to fight a battle that is not mine to fight.
For far too long I have kept the Love that has been given freely to self; so afraid of how others would respond resulting in another traumatic heartbreak.
How dare I? Truly?
If I have learned anything in the past 7 years of my life, it is the recurring theme on pain and love.
They both go hand in hand and one cannot be without the other.
We hear songs such as 'love is a battlefield', 'bleeding love', 'break your heart'.. ecetera , ecetera.
Why does love cause so much pain and what is the root of it, I question often.
I think I have found an answer.
God is love. He sent Jesus as an expression of love.
But what did Jesus allow the Father to do?
Anything and everything to and through him.
He was surrendered..
He gave the Father the power to do whatever He pleased.
When we enter into any relationship, whether it be courtship or friendship, we are looking for depth with that individual.
We search to know everything about them, which ultimately puts us on the path to intimacy. Once we reach this intimacy, we also reach our most vulnerable state of being, which in turn gives power to the other individual. The power to crush us. The power to run off and make fools of us. The power to absolutely destroy us.
Love requires pain, but the question is will that person rise above? We trust so. Since human-beings are flawed, heartbreak and pain are inevitable. But what is reassuring is if we truly want to become like Jesus, we keep trusting, we keep loving, and we keep returning to the one who breaks our hearts, and yet heals our heart at the very same moment.
Never grow weary of being vulnerable.
Keep the walls down, and love with all the power the Lord has given you through His Holy Spirit.
It will always be worth it in the end.
Brokenness and humble hearts are pleasing to the Father.
These attributes keep us away from pride and fleshly tendencies, but ultimately that teach us a little of what Jesus felt.
I want to love like Jesus even if it requires pain and suffering.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tears. Trust. Patience.
I went home a couple of days ago.
While it was haunting to see some of the devastation of the small town in which I have been born and raised, peace and solitude found me. Fate found me. The words of Jesus were spoken to my heart. I found hope again.
As I pulled up to the driveway, I found my Papa frolicking in the fields on a bike with three wheels. I went up to greet him, and he kissed me on the cheek with his warm and tender love radiating from the depths of his heart. The most joyous moment of my visit was to see his child-like faith put into action.
See, my Papa is madly in love with this wonderful lady named Dollie. She compliments him well and I am quite fond of her myself.
Seeing them together encourages me, and helps me hold on to the hope of which the Father placed in me long ago. The fire has been rekindled and I trust that He knows what He is doing in all
areas of the life that is His alone.
As I returned from my ventures that evening, Mrs. Dollie was waiting for me at the kitchen table. I quickly pulled up a chair to express to her what an awful state my heart was in. She listened. She listens well.
She went on to tell me her and Papa's love story. A story of heartache, trust, patience, and endurance. She watched the very man that God promised her three years prior marry another woman, but she trusted and she waited. Along with many tears and questions, she pressed forward. She continued to wait on the Lord and trust in His promises. He remembered her, and it all worked out for her and Papa's good.
What is the point of this story you may wonder?
The point is some of us know promises the Lord has made to us long ago.
Some of us are struggling, and that is okay. In the midst of the struggle, we grow stronger in our faith.
Why?
Because we realize that we need the Lord in every small detail and we can truly do nothing without Him. We are each broken and weak vessels who need a Savior to fix us and make us strong. He makes us strong only through our weaknesses. It is okay to be weak and vulnerable, despite of what the world says.
The Lord teaches and uses us most when we realize these truths about ourselves, and He shines brighter than the sun through us when we allow Him to be made strong in the midst of our sufferings.
My soul will continually wait on the Lord. I will not give in to 'meantime' individuals who attempt to satisfy what was only meant for One to fulfill. The Lord has our best interest at heart. The question is , will we go before Him, admitting our struggle; pouring out our hearts to Him so He may fill us up beyond the brim? The Lord knows what each individual is called to, whether is be marriage or singleness. Will we settle? Will we go with what we think is best or will we allow the Lord to give us His best for us?
Lord,
I come before you admitting that this heart grows lonely and that I question. I know You have my best interest in mind and I know that You are preparing and raising up that special individual just for me. Thank You for the satisfaction and fulfillment You bring to my life. Forgive me for the times I have stumbled and chosen to walk my own path. I need You Lord. I realize that the end of the day, it will be just me and You, face to face. There is nothing more satisfying than being in Your Presence. Thank You.
I love You and I praise You for what You are doing in my heart. I praise You for teaching me and growing me in the midst of the storm.
You are good.
I love You and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,
Amen
While it was haunting to see some of the devastation of the small town in which I have been born and raised, peace and solitude found me. Fate found me. The words of Jesus were spoken to my heart. I found hope again.
As I pulled up to the driveway, I found my Papa frolicking in the fields on a bike with three wheels. I went up to greet him, and he kissed me on the cheek with his warm and tender love radiating from the depths of his heart. The most joyous moment of my visit was to see his child-like faith put into action.
See, my Papa is madly in love with this wonderful lady named Dollie. She compliments him well and I am quite fond of her myself.
Seeing them together encourages me, and helps me hold on to the hope of which the Father placed in me long ago. The fire has been rekindled and I trust that He knows what He is doing in all
areas of the life that is His alone.
As I returned from my ventures that evening, Mrs. Dollie was waiting for me at the kitchen table. I quickly pulled up a chair to express to her what an awful state my heart was in. She listened. She listens well.
She went on to tell me her and Papa's love story. A story of heartache, trust, patience, and endurance. She watched the very man that God promised her three years prior marry another woman, but she trusted and she waited. Along with many tears and questions, she pressed forward. She continued to wait on the Lord and trust in His promises. He remembered her, and it all worked out for her and Papa's good.
What is the point of this story you may wonder?
The point is some of us know promises the Lord has made to us long ago.
Some of us are struggling, and that is okay. In the midst of the struggle, we grow stronger in our faith.
Why?
Because we realize that we need the Lord in every small detail and we can truly do nothing without Him. We are each broken and weak vessels who need a Savior to fix us and make us strong. He makes us strong only through our weaknesses. It is okay to be weak and vulnerable, despite of what the world says.
The Lord teaches and uses us most when we realize these truths about ourselves, and He shines brighter than the sun through us when we allow Him to be made strong in the midst of our sufferings.
My soul will continually wait on the Lord. I will not give in to 'meantime' individuals who attempt to satisfy what was only meant for One to fulfill. The Lord has our best interest at heart. The question is , will we go before Him, admitting our struggle; pouring out our hearts to Him so He may fill us up beyond the brim? The Lord knows what each individual is called to, whether is be marriage or singleness. Will we settle? Will we go with what we think is best or will we allow the Lord to give us His best for us?
Lord,
I come before you admitting that this heart grows lonely and that I question. I know You have my best interest in mind and I know that You are preparing and raising up that special individual just for me. Thank You for the satisfaction and fulfillment You bring to my life. Forgive me for the times I have stumbled and chosen to walk my own path. I need You Lord. I realize that the end of the day, it will be just me and You, face to face. There is nothing more satisfying than being in Your Presence. Thank You.
I love You and I praise You for what You are doing in my heart. I praise You for teaching me and growing me in the midst of the storm.
You are good.
I love You and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,
Amen
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