life

In exactly 4 months from now i will receive a college degree.
If I am honest, I will admit to you that I am afraid and uncertain of the future.
Though the right answers linger through my head as to bring comfort, they still refuse to lighten the load that I bear.

I know in my head that Jesus will guide me and make way for me..
I know in my head that he has good things for me as is written through His word.
I just cannot get past the yucky feeling of how big the world is and how small I am and how Jesus could use someone like me to make a difference in this world. it. is. SCARY....

But I trust Him.

I also trust that He will bring special people to bring value to the journey He has set before me. I hope these individuals will be lively, charismatic, cheerful, and a breath of fresh air that refuse to bring judgement or preconceived notions. I need a change and I know God is bringing it. I am just afraid of what it is gonna be.

You never forget your first love.
You will often recount the memories and deep emotions in which you had never felt elsewhere.
You eventually move on, but will always think of them fondly.



Ready to move forward.....
Ready for God's will for my life to not be hindered.

fight.

keep fighting.

keep running the race of faith.

it is worth it.

rise above.

Lately, this reoccurring theme has not only been resonating in the depths of my heart, but through scripture, through song, through conversations.

For awhile now, I have been longing for a breakthrough.
I have been longing for the dark cloud that has so heavily hovered over me,
to leave by the piercing rays of sunlight.
Well, dear readers...
That day has finally come.
I can see the Son bursting through the broken glass,
healing the deepest wounds,
and restoring in me what I thought was once lost.


For those who doubted, judged, and chose to cast stones instead of love, this is especially for you.
I pray that you will rise above and that you will realize that we serve the same Redeemer, the same Jesus who died for all of our sins and shortcomings... not. just. some.
Yahweh is the One and only One relentlessly pursues to capture our wayward hearts and bring restoration continually to those who
have been broken or even gone astray.

To those who have continually stood by my side, through the tears, the bleeding heart, through the continual prayer sessions.
I can not thank you enough. I love you all so much.
But most importantly, I thank my Savior for continually wrapping me in His arms and continuing to love me despite of the past.
His mercies are new every morning! :) He gently moves us onward. Hallelujah.


This is my theme song for the season.
And believe me.. it is much more beautiful up here. :)

innermost...

Many of us have heard it said, many of us have thought it to be truth, but I come with challenge and one that may bring forth much prayer and meditation.
So, yeah... here it goes.
"Your circumstances can either make you or break you".


What if, as followers of Jesus, the Sovereignty of the Almighty allowed circumstances to break us only so that the Father Himself could make and mold us more into His likeness.
So many of us question why bad things happen, and even shy away from the fact that God himself could, in His Sovereignty, be orchestrating such events to build and strengthen our relationship in Him. Perhaps there is deeper and much more profound reasoning for why we go through such pain and hardship in life.
The Scriptures tell us not to be surprised when such pains and trials come, for it is part of taking up the cross daily and identifying in the death of Jesus Christ.
Within our transformation will come much pain and sorrow, in which will ultimately lead us to crucify the flesh by yielding to the Holy Spirit, or we will become hardened and bitter towards the crushing hand known as Sovereignty.

The most encouraging thing to me is this:
Once we allow Sovereignty to crush us as He did with Jesus, something supernatural in us occurs. We become resurrected and transformed in Christ Jesus. Our flesh becomes merely skin that we long to be out of, then the deepest longing and desire becomes a spirit that needs to be right next to Papa.


I urge you my dear brothers and sisters to not be hardened to the pains and trials that will come your way.
The Father may even use those closest to you to bring the most heart-wrenching experiences that will ultimately bring forth your true character. Pray for them. Love them. Do your part. Jesus did.
In this life, many that claim Jesus as Lord will be the ones who pierce and wound the deepest part of your being, but do not be hardened by them. The Lord is faithful and just. Know your Father and know Him intimately. He will teach you and make you into the man and woman you are called to be.


Go the second mile. Turn the other cheek. Continue to love through the many pains and hardships that the narrow road brings.


May blessings and joy be upon you always,
Ava

bleeding hearts both torn and worn.

There is no way to resurrect a relationship that never truly began.

Though the deepest part of me knows there will be no rekindled flame, my heart still strays to the scenes of restless and secretive nights that will never shed a peak of light.


To be honest, I am not sure what I miss more; the nights in and of themselves, or the being who I dared to share the most unspeakable moments with.


If I could turn back time, I most certainly would. But I suppose I will continue to be haunted in dreamland by the most handsome creature, in my opinion, that God has ever designed; or at least until my heart has mended and decides to take another venture.


I no longer dream of fairytales such as Cinderella, but of those who have broken me and those I in turn have broken.

I only pray that God continues to use such a broken vessel.

I am so weak, and yet He chooses to use the weak ones who are aware of such infirmities.

One thing is for certain...

"One thing is for certain-He [Jesus] will never throw our past failures back in our faces." ~ Oswald Chambers


I am so thankful that my Savior Jesus does not ever bring up the past, for He knows that we as Christians deal enough with our own guilt and shame of the choices we have made in those times.
The Lord Jesus throws our sin into the sea of forgetfulness and holds the power to make Himself forget them.
Praise be to the Lord Jesus who covers our sins! What is heart wrenching, however, is that so many 'followers of Jesus' are so quick to condemn and bring judgement to their own.
It saddens me, how unlike Jesus the church has become. Instead, the church parades like a Pharisee wearing a mask of holier than thou when truly we have all been covered by the same blood for all sin, not just particular ones.
We as Jesus followers are to be like Him. We are to become little Christ's that shine a light and bring love to the world, but so many of us get caught up on how dirty a person is or how much he or she has messed up.
We all have fallen short of the glory of God... who are we to condemn our brother or sister?
Our jobs as Christians, is to bring love and forgiveness. We are to exhort and encourage one another. We are to carry each others burdens and hardships no matter how heavy or gross they may seem.

My prayer is that we would be so surrendered to Jesus that we walk in all of His footsteps.
My prayer is that we would not throw stones, but reach out with open arms to those who struggling today.
If we stone our brother or sister from the church, where else are they to go?


Choose love today. Look past the surface and realize that each individual on this earth longs for what you do. Choose to be surrendered fully to the One who has covered each and every flaw of yours with His precious blood.

Keep Reaching....

When rejected while reaching out to another, continue reaching out.

Jesus always will.

....

Know Sovereignty.
Know the One who fulfills your destiny.
Know intimacy of the Intimate.
Know complete satisfaction.
These are treasures found in the heart of Christ.

a quote.

All men, at some point in time, have thought the same thought and felt the same emotion.
It is only those who are given eloquent words and proper order that leave this lasting legacy:
A quote.

Truth.

It is 2:27am.
I am restless and full of emotions that remain unnamed.
I must admit that this is not something new and continues to plague my inner being.

I must also touch on some instances that have occurred in the last couple of hours.
I will focus in on a topic that promises to set the captive free and make the all wrongs right.
Truth.
Truth is many things to many different people in which most cases is a self-defeating statement.
But the one thing that I have just recently learned is that though the truth may hurt, it can also blossom forth compassion for others.

It seems as though the Lord is continually uprooting things deeply embedded in various chambers of my heart.
And as painful as it is, it is also liberating to feel the warmth of compassion in a place that has been hardened by hurt for so many years.
I am thankful, yet I am also helpless in heart, for I know nothing I say or do can change the mind or actions of any individual.
Prayer is powerful, and joining with family in prayer brings forth such a precious dynamic in the spiritual realm that stirs the deepest part of my spirit man.
I am blessed to be able to join in prayer with a grandfather and new grandmum who have a deep love for his children and grandchildren that will stay up to pray with me even if it is way past his or her bed time.
Thank You, Lord.

I know the Lord works all things for the good of those who love Him.
I also know the Lord hears the cries and longings of His children and will not pass over them.
Until I see fruit in this certain uprooting, I will continue to trust in the One who has known me even before the womb.
He is good no matter what the end result may be.

it's 4am..

For 3 nights now I have tossed and turned, pondering life and wondering how I reached the point in which there is no return.

I ponder the way in which I found my-self amongst people who enjoy bickering, chaos and who compose propostouros symphonies of abnormal and non-rhythmic snores.

And how dare one ask a question that is poised with any logic or reason.

It has most certainly been a very interesting three days.

Now, I sit in the lobby of surrounding horribly matched couches and a monsterous clock that reminds me time is passing, and I have yet to find the peace and rest that I so long for.

There are many things I don't understand in life, and some things I so desire to erase or undo as I delete a text message or a poorly composed thought.

As I replay the public incident that occurred on the four lane highway named Brookshire Freeway; there is one thing that continues to plague me and has foreshadowed much of my life thus far; and it is the shattered windshield that could have and should have fallen from its frame to cut me all to pieces.


Part of me wishes to play the blame game, but the deeper part of me refuses to and accepts that there is a greater picture at hand.

I continue to walk in faith, knowing there is an Almighty who holds my hand every step of the way, and who continues to protect me as I venture through the hardships and pains of life.


In a couple of hours from now, I will make way to visit with the Amish people of good ole' Ohio. I will enjoy various types of cheese, fuss with my mother, and hold back many words that most certainly will not display the love of Christ. I could wish these next two days away, but I am going to do my best to make the most of the time I have, and pray that the Lord will give me grace as I endure the resistance that stirs heavily within me.

Maybe there will be a handsome Amish man around the corner who will distract me from all these troubles. *wishful thinking*

Until tomorrow.
Blessings and Peace be with you.
-Ava

unexpected.

Things in life, both good and bad, often happen unexpectedly.
Though this statement seems do be a reoccurring theme in my life, I try to always look ahead.
I don't quite understand what has just happened nor do I really care to do so.
I must say, it is quite unfortunate, but I must keep moving forward.


I am afraid of the next couple of weeks ahead, and I am not quite sure how everything will pan out.
One thing I am certain of however, is that God never changes and in the midst of uncertainty I know He is certain of what must occur in my life to draw me closer to His heart.



I have learned that sometimes the truth is hard to hear.
I have learned that peoples perceptions of others is often distorted because bias
clouds what is truly underneath.
I have learned that not all families are rainbows and unicorns.
I have learned that Blue Moon and making music calm my nerves tremendously.
But the thing I have learned most in these past chaotic days is that things will work out in the end and divine opportunities will arise as long as I keep my eyes on the prize, which is to know the heart of my Father.


I desire peace, but it doesn't always come.
I desire stability, but it never comes in human form.
I desire to know how to change for the better, but I keep finding myself in some of the same patterns I was in years ago.
I desire to know Jesus Christ intimately. This never requires a but.



I am broken and I am in need of my Saviour who graciously picks me up from my deep dark pits on a daily basis.


Goodbye Colorado.
Goodbye NC.
Farewell college.

Hello Maui. Let's see what Jesus is up to next.

For in these things I delight...

Jeremiah 9:23-24
Thus says the Lord:"Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."

Jeremiah 10:10
"But the Lord is the true God;
he is the living God and the everlasting King
At his wrath the earth quakes,
and the nations cannot endure his indignation."

these quotes must be glued to the heart....

"God gives us the cross, and then the cross gives us God."
~Jeanne Guyon


"As soon as anything comes to you in the form of suffering, at that very moment a natural resistance will well up somewhere inside of you. When that moment comes, immediately resign yourself to God. Accept the matter. In that moment give yourself up to Him as a sacrifice."
~Jeanne Guyon

It's 2am...

It's 2am and I sit here awake with eyes burning from all the tears shed from a broken and bitter heart.

For far too long I have carried bitterness and hurt.
For far too long I have tried to fight a battle that is not mine to fight.
For far too long I have kept the Love that has been given freely to self; so afraid of how others would respond resulting in another traumatic heartbreak.


How dare I? Truly?

If I have learned anything in the past 7 years of my life, it is the recurring theme on pain and love.
They both go hand in hand and one cannot be without the other.
We hear songs such as 'love is a battlefield', 'bleeding love', 'break your heart'.. ecetera , ecetera.

Why does love cause so much pain and what is the root of it, I question often.

I think I have found an answer.

God is love. He sent Jesus as an expression of love.

But what did Jesus allow the Father to do?
Anything and everything to and through him.

He was surrendered..
He gave the Father the power to do whatever He pleased.


When we enter into any relationship, whether it be courtship or friendship, we are looking for depth with that individual.
We search to know everything about them, which ultimately puts us on the path to intimacy. Once we reach this intimacy, we also reach our most vulnerable state of being, which in turn gives power to the other individual. The power to crush us. The power to run off and make fools of us. The power to absolutely destroy us.


Love requires pain, but the question is will that person rise above? We trust so. Since human-beings are flawed, heartbreak and pain are inevitable. But what is reassuring is if we truly want to become like Jesus, we keep trusting, we keep loving, and we keep returning to the one who breaks our hearts, and yet heals our heart at the very same moment.

Never grow weary of being vulnerable.
Keep the walls down, and love with all the power the Lord has given you through His Holy Spirit.
It will always be worth it in the end.
Brokenness and humble hearts are pleasing to the Father.
These attributes keep us away from pride and fleshly tendencies, but ultimately that teach us a little of what Jesus felt.
I want to love like Jesus even if it requires pain and suffering.

Tears. Trust. Patience.

I went home a couple of days ago.
While it was haunting to see some of the devastation of the small town in which I have been born and raised, peace and solitude found me. Fate found me. The words of Jesus were spoken to my heart. I found hope again.

As I pulled up to the driveway, I found my Papa frolicking in the fields on a bike with three wheels. I went up to greet him, and he kissed me on the cheek with his warm and tender love radiating from the depths of his heart. The most joyous moment of my visit was to see his child-like faith put into action.

See, my Papa is madly in love with this wonderful lady named Dollie. She compliments him well and I am quite fond of her myself.
Seeing them together encourages me, and helps me hold on to the hope of which the Father placed in me long ago. The fire has been rekindled and I trust that He knows what He is doing in all
areas of the life that is His alone.

As I returned from my ventures that evening, Mrs. Dollie was waiting for me at the kitchen table. I quickly pulled up a chair to express to her what an awful state my heart was in. She listened. She listens well.
She went on to tell me her and Papa's love story. A story of heartache, trust, patience, and endurance. She watched the very man that God promised her three years prior marry another woman, but she trusted and she waited. Along with many tears and questions, she pressed forward. She continued to wait on the Lord and trust in His promises. He remembered her, and it all worked out for her and Papa's good.


What is the point of this story you may wonder?

The point is some of us know promises the Lord has made to us long ago.
Some of us are struggling, and that is okay. In the midst of the struggle, we grow stronger in our faith.
Why?
Because we realize that we need the Lord in every small detail and we can truly do nothing without Him. We are each broken and weak vessels who need a Savior to fix us and make us strong. He makes us strong only through our weaknesses. It is okay to be weak and vulnerable, despite of what the world says.
The Lord teaches and uses us most when we realize these truths about ourselves, and He shines brighter than the sun through us when we allow Him to be made strong in the midst of our sufferings.

My soul will continually wait on the Lord. I will not give in to 'meantime' individuals who attempt to satisfy what was only meant for One to fulfill. The Lord has our best interest at heart. The question is , will we go before Him, admitting our struggle; pouring out our hearts to Him so He may fill us up beyond the brim? The Lord knows what each individual is called to, whether is be marriage or singleness. Will we settle? Will we go with what we think is best or will we allow the Lord to give us His best for us?



Lord,
I come before you admitting that this heart grows lonely and that I question. I know You have my best interest in mind and I know that You are preparing and raising up that special individual just for me. Thank You for the satisfaction and fulfillment You bring to my life. Forgive me for the times I have stumbled and chosen to walk my own path. I need You Lord. I realize that the end of the day, it will be just me and You, face to face. There is nothing more satisfying than being in Your Presence. Thank You.
I love You and I praise You for what You are doing in my heart. I praise You for teaching me and growing me in the midst of the storm.
You are good.
I love You and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,
Amen

The Return of Christ Jesus.

Though amusing yet haunting, there is a viral media and social uproar about the return of Christ Jesus. I am appalled at both extremes believers are taking on each spectrum.
On the right, one spectrum is promoting a certain date, while the other side is mocking and scoffing at the thought of Jesus returning soon. In all honesty, both sides are wrong, and it saddens me that believers in the Lord Jesus Christ are so unappealing.

I am saddened because the fact of the matter is, Jesus will return. And like the apostle Paul, we should be in earnest expectation of the return of our Lord Jesus Christ. No individual is promised tomorrow, and we should live as Christ and our forefathers to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus and to be urgent in our lifestyles just as Christ and the apostles were.

For believers to be at such odds, is saddening, but rest assure that judgement begins in the house of the Lord and if it is difficult for the righteous to be saved, then how difficult will it be for the unbeliever.

My prayer is that believers will wake up. That we will not be distracted by the uproars and upheaval that surrounds us. My prayer is that we will fix our eyes upon the Lord Jesus who was and is to come , and that we will long and yearn to become one with our heavenly Father just as the Lord Jesus.

For those amongst the body who mock and scoff, shame on you. For those who proclaim a certain date, remember that only the Father knows and the Lord Jesus does not even know when He is expected to return.

With that being said, the Lord Jesus does say that we will know the season of which we can expect His return. Notice all the turmoil going around the world, and it is worsening. Notice the economic meltdown of America that awaits us. All of these happenings have been prophesied and know that if we do not repent and return to the heart of the Father it will worsen. Prayer changes God's mind. We see it in stories of the Bible. I hope that each spectrum will stop fooling around and get back to the heart of Christ. May we remember that these arguments and debates just distract us from the heart of God.

For those wallowing in these pointless debates... fix your gaze. Fix it upon the One who desires communion and intimacy with us. Put away all ungodliness and seek ye the heavenly things. Because what we do here does and will echo our eternity.

It is time to unite, body of Christ. Because whether we like it or not, Christ will and soon return. He will purify His bride and He will do whatever it takes to get us in right standing with Him.


May the love of the Lord Jesus cover you.
May He convict us and tune our hearts to the sound and beat of His own.
May our eyes be continually fixed on the One who is jealous for our affections.
But most of all, may we attain righteousness and mercy through His grace.

In Christ Jesus,
Ava

pum pum pum pummm.....

You tell me to wait.... So I do.

You tell me to wait patiently... This part is more than difficult.

I don't want to manage something wasted when it I am certain that it is not Your will.

Yet, I find myself to desiring that path even though I am already told of its destruction, so therefore, I know its consequence.

I wish not to compromise, and yet I am flesh.

I want to stand firm, and yet I feel as though I am sinking...

Sinking into the unknown.

This troubles me.

I am troubled.


Please come quickly Daddy. Deliver this heart from its deep anguish.

Love,
Ava


And ofcourse You remind me even when I am suffering with my itunes on shuffle .. that Christ is my Solid Rock always...all other ground is sinking sand.. I have no one/where else to run to.

no name.

Her love guided each one to the path of righteousness.
One, two, three, four tasted the fruit of peace and purity.
Time passed and one, two, three, and four eventually journeyed on to find another love.
She sits alone and betrayed, yet she continues to drift forward with a heart of clay.